Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Who moved?

Your fourth birthday leaves me wondering what to write to update last year's piece.

I told you then about the chronology of your life, about what had happened, and all the people who had vanished from your life.

A year on, despite having not even seen a picture of you since, we know a lot more that we did about just how that happened. We know what conflicting arguments were made, what dubious logic was successfully advanced to people eager to hear and act on what was self-evidently nonsense. We know, too, that our instincts have, as more often than not, been right, about what has been going on.

I have been told recently by Mummy's legal executive that I am not entitled to answers to questions about you, which include asking when and how you are going to see your Dad and your paternal family again - if indeed you ever will in some cases (Great Grandpa is really not well, for starters).

You however will one day be able to ask questions of your own, to which you will draw your own conclusions about the answers, from whatever information is available to you.

At your house today will arrive, as usual, a gift and a card from us (as from others), the only likely proof of which I ever will get is the signature from Royal Mail. We won't know if you got it, let alone see you open it. We won't know if you knew who it was from. We won't know if you knew why it was sent.

Today, as usual I will be found at Paddington. We certainly don't expect to see you there today, but it is good discipline and a point of focus for me. One day you might want to come and find me there. I want also to mark today the kindness of the people who have given to you by giving to us, in all sorts of ways, over the past year. They will understand the significance, particularly.

I'm not a big fan of smug wayside pulpits like the one above, even if the theology is right, but it would be a good challenge to all manner of people involved in your case at the moment. They know who they are.

It's not your fault - none of this is - but if you grow up and feel far from your Dad, guess who moved?

The question for you, then, is who moved you?

My commitment to you is that I will still be here if you come looking. Just like all the toys you put in their bed the day you left, I'll be waiting for you when you come back.

Happy fourth birthday, Son.

Love from Daddy.

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